A revelation?

This morning on my walk I was doing some thinking about my weight. Like I do every damn day. But specifically I was thinking about binge eating. To me a binge is something I do in secret with way to much food. I realized that I have been a binge eater the majority of my life.

When I lived at home, my mom did not buy alot of snack food but that didn't stop me. I would eat tablespoons of peanut butter, sneak some of my dad's peanuts, eat the cake batter when baking a cake (no wondered my cakes never rose), eat the hamburger I was frying for supper. Not to mention the food when cleaning off the table.

I got to wondering why I binge. I still don't know that answer but then it lead me to thinking about something else entirely. When we were young my brother closest to me in age used to call me an elephant. My mom and he thought it was hilarious. She would also let us fight, wrestle in the living room floor. I think it is possible that on some deep level she did not like me and found this stuff funny. I just thought it was cool that we could fight each other, but I think she hoped he would best me. I "know" that she loved me but I dont think she really ever liked me. And of course, I proved her right by totally screwing up my life. Making many bad choices.

She is gone and I cant talk with her about any of this. It makes me profoundly sad because I love and miss her so much. I am going to try and think and feel these things. Try to keep track of them and not push them down or suppress them because they make me sad. Maybe than I can figure out why food is the center of my life.

Struggling

I have never had a time that I have not struggled with my weight. Even when I wasn't fat I thought I was fat and had to lose weight. I can never seem to make weight loss a lasting thing. This week has been a struggle. The stress with my marriage seems to be getting the better of me and I just let it be an excuse for a free for all. Yesterday was better and today is going well so far. Tomorrow is WI so we will see what has happened.

Divorce-maybe????

Looks like we are headed that way. Phil doesn't seem to give a rip anymore and says marriage counsling wont work. He was suppose to call yesterday to set things up anyway and called one place and my Pastor who is out. I am a little edgy about it but not as upset (at this moment)about it as I feel I should be.

Here is how my OP day is going so far.

E-55 min walk
B-Breakfast cookie
L-Tuna, steamed broccoli, tomatos, grapes, apple
D-not sure yet

Last night I made myself scrambled eggs with peppers and onion and some toast for supper. I so wanted something fattning for snack because of above stress but I ate 2 bananas, topped with Lt Redi whip and choc syrup.

Been awhile since I posted anything here. Not that anyone reads it but me. I like the idea of blogging, my online diary really but I cant seem to be consistent with it. This is my attempt to try again.

I went back to Ww about 3 weeks ago. The first week I did really well and lost 6.6lbs. My starting weight was almost at the top again. 240. This past week was not so good and I didn't go to WI this week. But I am starting this week strong.

E-50 minute walk-10 pushups-3m/7w
B-Breakfast cookie
L-Salad-spinach, roast chicken, tomato, pepper, onion, string cheese, FF western sd
Grapes
S-Apple

Not sure about dinner yet.

Slug...

I feel like a total and complete slug. I ate a huge breakfast this morning. I was super stressed and it seems I especially eat stress. Now I feel like I can't move. UGh I hate this feeling and I do it to myself all the time. For the millionth time, I gotta lose weight.

K

Money

I hate that my life seems to center around it. And it's not because I have so much. We are pretty much paycheck to paycheck family. Which sucks to be honest with you.

I had to open a new checking account because the Bank of America here is selling out. Today is the first day that my check should go into my new checking account and I check first thing this morning and its not there. I panic, of course. Called my new bank and it just hasn't posted yet. Man, freak a person out. But I am completely shaky, nervous stomache and in tears over it. That is just totally stupid. I so wish that I could put money away in savings but I just always fail in the finance department.

Diet is also a fail this week. I really just want to go back to bed and pull the covers up over my head and pretend that I just hit the lottery. Guess that won't really work. LOL.

Hopefully, the day will get better from here.

Have a good one
K

Man, this sucks

Totally screwed up my eating last night. Phil bought stuff for strawberry shortcake and I totally overate. I did, however, not drink any soda all day yesterday.

Today is a new day and I am going to work to get back on track.

Back at it , again.

I gotta do something about my weight. I wish that I was one of those people that could eat anything and it didn't really affect the way I feel. But I feel yucky. I have been drinking alot of fountain soda's in the past few weeks and generally eating like crap. And I can tell. I wish that i didn't let it get so out of hand every time. I am back up to 232.8. Ugh. So today starts my first day back on track.

Breakfast

Breakfast cookie, Peach Mango Crystal light

Lunch

Subway Club w/ Baked BBQ Chips, PM Crystal light

No exercise. But that will come. Small steps.

My youngest sister Robyn has lost quite a bit of weigh since last August. She looks really good and I am totally jealous. I want to be able to do that. I think it comes down to disciplne not really willpower. I need to get back to it and hit it hard. I feel so much better when I do it right.

On a seperate note, we are still loving our new place and Phil is still liking his new job. Thank you God for all of your blessings.

K

Mother's Day!

Mother's Day has always been rough for me. I have lost 3 children had many years of infertility and than lost my mom over 10 years ago. I have my two girls and they make it at least bearable. I don't know what I would do without them. I miss you Mom.

Family...

Family is a funny thing. I used to think that my family was really close. I have 3 brothers, now 3 sister in laws, 2 sister and 1 brother in law, and many nieces and nephews. There are six kids in my dad's family to. All but 1 of them have children. Since my mom died, almost 11 years ago, my immediate family have been drifting further and further apart. This past year or so I would say that no one even really cares if we see each other or not. People don't come to each others things and don't even bother to call. Since Grandma has passed the same thing seems to be holding true but only for Dad's kids. We are left out of things and just pretty much ignored. And I think I am the only one who really cares about that. Everyone else seems to take it as a matter of course. I am not sure why I can't. It actually makes me really sad and I miss everyone very much. Even the ones who don't like me. I am not sure how I resolve this within myself. I don't really see it changing within the family so I need to figure out a way to be ok with it and move on. I love them all very much so this is going to be hard but I have to do it. Because in all honesty the one being hurt is me and I am letting it continue. I guess I need to buck up and quit wearing my heart on my sleeve. I miss my mommy. :(

The wheels move slowly

Phil has a line on a job. It is a temp with the possiblity of hire and it provides health insurance when you get hired on full time. That would be so sweet. Of course, this is not for sure and we wont know anything until after Wednesday. Patient. I need to be patient. We also found out that we got the ok to take over the duplex that a friend of ours has. Again, we are not sure when. Since Phil isn't working I have to come up with the money on my own and well I have alot of other obligations right now. So the soonest we could move in would be June 5th. So 28 days. Patient. I need to be patient. So things are not looking so hopeless anymore. We are just in this period of wait and see. That can be stressful all the same. Trying not to let it get to me and staying upbeat for the girls and Phil. Thank you God for giving us hope back. For caring for us in our time of need. Please, help me to remember this and to help others.

Holding pattern

Life feels like it is in a holding pattern right now. We are living with my dad, we have no money, Phil has no job, I am still fat, the girls are still sassy. But, truly, life does go on and I need to find a way to stay in it. Stay engaged. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep. Until things are better. LOL. I don't think that will work. Hopefully, something will break for us soon. Let's hope in a good way.

Hope

I am one of those people that just cannot live without hope. Right now our situation feels hopeless. I know that it is not but it feels it. I am also one of those people with to many damn feelings. I am one big mess of feelings. Hurt feelings, sad feelings, angry feelings. I wish I could step out of myself just one day. Phil has a job interview today. He really is trying to find work this time. It's tough. He doesn't have a good background. The longest he has stayed at a job is 3 years. He is a really good worker when he likes the job but you know everyone gets bored after awhile and than it is all down hill from there. Plus add in the fact that he is 49 and looks like a biker and no one wants to give him a chance. I want to be hopeful and support his but I am just not feeling it. The house search continues to suck. I wish Dad would offer Grandma's house. But no, he offered it to Caleb. Screw you oldest daughter and family. I know I should be greatful. And I am. He took us in when we had no where else to go. But shit I just feel like I don't matter. See what I mean too many damn feelings. Karen

Homeless..

I am really not homeless in the real sense of the word. True I do not have a home at this time but I have a safe place to stay. My children have a bed to sleep in and we are fine. I cannot imagine how someone who is truly homeless feels. How they survive day to day. I so wish that I could do something to help. But I get stuck in my feel sorry for me mode. How do I help, how can I find out how to help? I don't know. Hopefully, soon we will be able to find a home. Even if it is only temprary. But more important I hope that I can remember that there are many out there with no home and see if I can find a way to help. Not to be so selfish and think only of myself. Phil has a interview tomorrow and he is looking at a couple other places to apply. I hope something comes along soon. We are in pretty dire straights right now. He looked at a place last night. It was a single wide trailer and would work as temporary digs but he said it was in really bad shape and the landlord had not intentions of fixing it. So the search continues.

I don't know what to do...

I really don't. Phil is out of work and we are basically homeless. We are staying with my dad. This has been an awful month and I don't know when or how it will get better. April 1-Phil was laid off April 5-Moved into a new and cheaper house April 16-Found out ARI kept his insurance money but cut off his insurance April 18-Found out we had to evacuate new house April 19-Altenator went out on Phil's truck April 19-Pack up all the stuff I just put away and hung on the walls April 20-Moved all of our things into storage April 21-Tire blew on my car April 26-Altenator went out on my car I feel ashamed and embarrased to be living with my dad at this age. I don't know where to turn right now. It is awkward and uncomfortable. We are in the way. The thing is it took us along time to find this house. Now what? And Phil has still not found a job and we are broke. I totally feel that I am failing my children.

Shitty week already...

It's only Wednesday and this has been a tough week. Phil lost his job on Monday. He was laid off. He had been reassured numerous times that he wouldn't be losing his job but alas they lied. People tend to do that alot apparently. We had just gotten health insurance a 2 months ago. Something we haven't had in many years. It took him a long time to get this job. I am not sure what we are going to do now. He is 49 and doesn't have a High School Diploma or GED and even though neither of those would do him any good in the jobs he apply's for that is their requirement. Trying really hard not to get depressed and angry about the whole situation. So, I am guessing I will need to give up some of my stuff again. Weight Watchers and getting my nails done, of course. I will have to take on his phone and truck payments. Which makes it even tighter for me since our rent is so high. Man, I am to old for this crap to keep happening. It makes me so tired and depressed. I guess we are just doomed to failure. We can't ever seem to get our shit together.