Hurt and anger

I don't know how to deal with hurt and anger well. For the most part I cry and than eat. I am really trying to figure out where I stand with Phil anymore. He wont talk to me. He says the nicest things in text message but not in person. And he doesn't want to hear what I have to say either. He will completely change the subject. I guess I should just let it be. If we dont talk seriously we cant argue at least. I dont know how to be me anymore. I dont know who I am. I dont feel that I have any value to anyone. Not sure where to go from here.

Karen

Not much going on with the blogs I read, lately. They are all busy with their lives and that is as it should be. Makes me realize that I am not paying enough attention to my life.

I don't know what I am going to do about my weight. I am consumed with thoughts about it and food all day every day. Yet I am completely uncomfortable in my own skin. I am so fat right now that I weeze and can hardly move. I am right back to where I started in 2008. I feel like a total failure and a complete waste of space. I know what I need to do but cannot seem to sustain in longer than a half day. I have prayed about it but feel like He is not listening or it isnt the answer I need. I am dieing inside and I cannot seem to stop myself from overeating.

Overeating. Sounds like such a nice calm word for eating to much food. That is not what I do. I gorge myself. Stuff it in as fast as I can. Feeling miserable the whole time. Feeling like a failure. But damn the food tastes so good. And I am constantly looking for more. I am at work right now. Just pollished off a breakfast meal from Sonic and thinking I wonder if there is anything here to eat. I am by no means hungry. What is wrong with me? Why do I do this to me and my family? I am hurting them just as much as I am hurting myself. Sometimes I feel like I am hanging on by a fingernail to my sanity, life, health. I dont even know anymore.

My marriage. I dont know where we are right now. We are both tiptoeing around the real issues and being nice to each other. But it will hit again and than where will we be. I actually spoke with a lawyer this last time but decided not to pursue. I feel like God wants us to stay together but I am so angry all the time. He makes me so angry. He still will not help with the bills, hasn't started looking for a job, would rather watch a TV show that talk to me. And I keep trying not to let my resentment build and show but what am I to do? Maybe I deserve it.

My children. I love saying that. I love them so much. But they are at an age right now where they think I am worthless. They don't like being around me and are so disrespectful. I am not sure how to handle all of this. Maybe I deserve this to.

No real point to any of this. NO real plan. Just wanted to get it out.

Karen

231.2

Nuff said!

Life stinks sometimes...

Phil and I are in a really bad spot right now. We have been here before but I don't know if we will get past it this time. He basically told me last night that he doesn't care anymore. Said I don't either and that I don't love him. Maybe he is right but it hurt none the less. Than this morning he hugged me told me he loved me and gave me a kiss. I don't know what to think or do anymore. It all makes me very tired and depressed. I guess we are basically staying together because of the girls. I guess.

Karen

Back at it

I went back to WW last night. New starting weight is 230. Only 13 away from my heighist ever. This sucks but I can and will do this. I have to.

Life is so stressful. At work my boss has decided she wants to "help" me. Okay. Except I have been here since October and after 2 weeks you disappeared on me and basically said sink or swim and now you want to help me. We are having issues with our new billing software but does she help with that, no. That's where I really need the help and she is no where. I explain it all to her and she says okay and walks away. Than when no money is coming in it is my fault and she leaves me notes about how to do my job.

Money is incredibly tight and that always makes me crazy. We are taking the girls to Myrtle Beach and now I am not sure if we will be able to afford it. I hate that I suck at managing money and Phil wont help me. Since we have split our money he has been tight with his. I have loaned him over $500.00 but he hasnt paid any of it back. I pay all the bill except Satalite and storage (which he doesn't pay) my own gas and groceries and he acts like I am a terrible person if I ask him to help. He gets totally pissed off at me so I hate to ask but I a sinking and he doesn't care and blames me when I am broke. It is my fault but I am very overwhelmed.

And of course, my weight sucks balls. Just keeps going up and up and up.

Grandma died on the 14th. She has always been a part of my life and now a huge chunk is missing. And I guess that side of the family is gone now. They never really liked me anyway it just took me this long to realize it fully. I wish my mom was here. I really could use a shoulder to cry on.

God please help me.
Karen

I have gone 11 hours so far without eating. Believe or not it has not killed me yet. Despite this fact I have been eating the last few weeks like I was starving. I am sure that I will go overboard when I finally do eat. But I wanted to see how long I could go. To prove to myself that I will not starve and food is only fool not something to be coveted. It is completely nuts how I have been behaving toward my food and it has to stop.

Karen

I don't know what my problem is. All I want to do is sit around and cry. My job is getting to me, money is a problem as always, my kids are driving me batty, life in general is being a pain, my marriage is on the brink of disaster. I seriously am so overwhelmed. I know that I need to pray about it all but I feel so bad that all I would do is cry and that is no way to be either. My weight continues to rise despite my good intentions and I feel like crap. Everywhere I turn is one frustration after another.

Karen

Well... I am trying again. I cannot seem to get back my motivation from a few years ago. I had actually at one point seen 170 on the scale. Those days are long gone and I want to be back in the loosing game. I have decided I am not going to do anything with my hair until I am under 200lbs. That is almost 30lbs away. See if this helps me get back on track. I have been in the woo is me spot for way to long. Things are not good in my marriage, even though today makes 19 years, and I have been feeling sorry for myself for way to long. Get over it already. Going to pull up the big girls panties and get to it. Enough is enough.

Karen

Regret

I live with a lot of regret. I had very low self esteem all through school and dating was a terrible problem for me. First off, no one every asked me out on a date. I had several blind dates but no one just came up and asked me out. I felt like I was really fat (even though) I probably weighed less than 140lbs. So when I went into the Army, I was basically ripe for the picking for any guy that paid me any attention. Not good. And they paid attention; I guess I was considered pretty then. I didn’t handle it well at all. I guess you could say I lost my ever living mind. I got pregnant within a short time. I didn’t tell my parent’s until he was born. Than I had to call them back and tell them he died. I broke their hearts. It seemed sometimes that was all I was good at. When I got out of the service, I got pregnant again. Lost that baby also. Filed bankruptcy several times. Moved a lot. Changed jobs a lot. Married someone my parent’s were not crazy about. Gained a lot of weight.

My siblings don’t like me much, my husband doesn’t respect me, my dad tolerates me ( I mean I know he loves me but he doesn’t really want to spend time with me or my family). So I have a lot of regret. Sometimes it is suffocating. I realize that a lot of time that I am operating from regret. It’s an ongoing problem for me. And, I fear that it will hurt my children if I can’t figure out how to let this stuff go. There is nothing that I can do about it now. But, I can’t seem to let it go. I want so much to be the person God made me to be but I can’t figure that out either. I am thinking of seeing a counselor. Money is always the struggle though. Maybe when I get things lined out with my checking account.

Oh, yeah. Phil and I separated our money. He was never happy with how I paid the bills or spent money and he overdrew us a lot so now we have separate checking accounts. Another regret.

Karen

Overwhelmed

Daisy is really having trouble in school. Her behavior is getting out of hand and I don't know how to help her. We started taking her to a counselor last week. I really like this lady and I hope that she is able to help her.

My weight loss also sucks ass. There is none to speak of and I feel like crap.

My marriage is also sinking fast. Trouble is I don't think that Phil cares and I am starting not to. Not sure what to do about that either.

I am going to try to refocus starting today.

Goals for March 9th to September 9th:

-Workout 5 days a week
-Track every meal, bite, lick and taste
-Attend weekly meetings
-Write & post pics to my blog once a week
-Choose to be happy
-Get 8 hours of sleep a night
-Plan meals weekly
-Pray everyday
-Take care of my skin
-Pay bills on time
-Join a bible class

Spiritually, I am not feeling connected to God. I feel that my prayers don't reach him and on really bad days I feel like he doesn't care. I know that is not true but I do tend to feel sorry for myself. I feel really disconnected from my life right now. I am hoping the above list will get me back on track and I pray that God will be with me every step of the way.

God bless
Karen

A crying jag...

We didn't get the house. We found a house for rent w/4 bedrooms out in the country. Phil talked to the landlord and he said he had told another couple they were next in line. He would call them and if they didn't want it it would be ours. We finally heard back from him after a very long weekend and he said we could pick up an app. Phil turned it back in Tuesday and he heard from him today and those people called back and want it. Damn it to hell. I just want to scream. We are always and dime shy and a day late and it is totally pissing me off. I want a house damn it and I want it now. Is that to damn much to ask? Shit this sucks ass.

Karen

What to do...

I don't understand the relationship Phil and I have. We can be getting along wonderful and the next thing you know we are at each others throats. We are trying to get a new place out in the country. He told so many lies when he talked to this guy I could not even fill out the application because I dont know what he said. This drives me insane. I know that we all tell lies to some extent but I am not sure he knows how to tell the truth. He always is shading it. And this not getting a job. I hate it and sometimes I hate him. I try to overlook it. I try to be understanding. But it makes me so angry. And you would think he could help me at home. He will make supper a couple nights are do a load of towels and he acts like I should bow at his feet. Bullshit. This morning for example, he got up and dressed himself and helped Averi with her belt and took the girls to school. I on the other hand-got supper started (Salisbury steaks), folded two loads of clothes washed one, unloaded the dishwasher and put the breakfast dishes in, got the girls up and breakfast, fixed their hair, put clothes away, made my breakfast and lunch, got ready for work, made sure the girls brushed their teeth, got Sunshine's money for school. I am just tired of it and I can't get through him. He doesnt' even care. And I guess I am just going to have to grin and bear it. I almost can't stand to look at him some days. He sits on the couch all day or runs around with his buddies and doesn't even see that he could help me. And makes sure I understand it is all my fault. I am so pissed and gotta get passed it.

Depressing...

I read this one ladies blog and sometimes it just depresses me. She is so down on herself, even worse than I am. No matter what she does or accomplishes she has to see the negative in it. She has gained a little weight and while that totally sucks, ever post is dire that it makes me want to quit.

I have been getting off track and the scale has been kind to me but that won't last very much longer. I have moved out of the honeymoon phase and am just in a blah place. But I want this really bad. I have packed a good lunch and I am going to do this. The weekend's are bad for me. Very snacky. But I hope that I was able to counteract that. If not, there is always next week. I will do this.

Thankfuls...
1. God loves me
2. My girls-they are the best
3. Dh
4. My job
5. I had a good and busy weekend
6. It's snowing
7. No plans for tonight
8. I have lost 18lbs since I rejoined
9. My meeting is Thursday
10. I was able to help some people out this weekend.

Peace out
Karen

Deep thoughts...

Some bloggers are really good at deep thoughts, as I like to call them. They can really put together a post that makes the reader think. I don't know that I will ever be able to do that. I don't really have any readers anyway but just in case I do some day I wish I could give them more than surface stuff. But I don't think that I am built that way. I struggle with my inner thoughts all the time. But I don't know that I could put them down on my blog. So for now here is the fluff. LOL

Tomorrow is weigh in. I really stress about those especially because I had a crap weekend. I stray really bad on the weekends and am guilty of not tracking very well. The rest of the week I am pretty good. Except Thursday night. That is suppose to be my indulgence meal but then it seems to stretch into the weekend. Going to have to reign it in. If I can do it during the week, I can do it on the weekend.

Thankfuls....
1. My girls
2. I found the contract on our car. They were trying to say our payment was $28.00 more than it was suppose to be.
3. Dh who is going to deal with the so and so's today
4. God loves me
5. My job
6. It is Wednesday. One day closer to Saturday
7. Hair looks pretty good today
8. I feel good today
9. Lunch and gym bag are packed today
10. God loves me

Peace out
Karen

The New Rules of Lifting for Women...

I am currently reading this book. I had heard of it via other blogs. It is completely blowing everything I thought of as good exercise out of the water. In some cases it is making me a little angry but in others it makes complete sense. I still have about half the book to go.

In other news I only ate 18 of my 29 pts last night. That's not good. I worked out in the afternoon and then went straight to my niece's basketball game and had a pretzel there. I was going to scramble me some eggs when I got home but I just wasn't that hungry. I will do better today.

Thankfuls...
1. My dh and girls
2. Dh fixed my phone
3. God loves me even though I screw up all the time
4. We didn't get the bad weather
5. My job
6. I got to hold baby A last night and play with G
7. I feel good
8. Packed some protein for lunch today
9. I was able to get up this morning and read my bible
10. It's Tuesday, one more day closer to the weekend

Karen

I don't know what is wrong with me..

I do fine all week long and the weekend strikes and my eating goes to hell. I go in to total snack mode. I can't get enough. All I want to do is eat. I want to lose weight so much, it is always on my mind, yet I sabatoge myself on a regular basis. Makes no sense to me. I have decided to try something differnt. I always try to squeeze time in to read the bible after my workouts and I never seem to pray on a consistent basis. I was getting up at 4:30 to work out and was tired all day long. I am going to start my day around 5:00. Read my bible, do a devotion out of the Portals of Prayer and pray. Than as soon as I get off, I am going to the gym to work out. I did this this morning. I am hoping to develop a relationship with God, stop thinking of myself so much, and shift my attention to others more often.

Thankfuls...
1. I got to read my bible this am
2. Phil is supportive of my new plan
3. My dh and girls
4. I have a job
5. I am going to Cheyenne's game tonight
6. I am able to walk, talk and reason
7. God loves me
8. I had a good weekend
9. Laundry is almost done for the week
10. Apartment is clean


Have a good one
Karen

It's amazing what sex can do...

I had the most awesome sex last night and I feel so much better about life. That is so crazy really. I think its because during that time I felt such a connection to Phil. I don't think he feels the same way really. He was just happy to be having sex. LOL.

I had a really bad day yesterday. Not eating wise just in attitude. I hate when my attitude is in the toilet. I really am annoyed at my job. But I have to have one and this one pays really well so I just need to get over it.

Tonight is WI. I really don't have any feelings good or bad. I am assuming a gain since I have been doing so well. Need to get in the right frame of mind to deal with it.

Have a good one
Karen

Feeling pissy and sorry for myself

My sister broke up with her boyfriend, had a house fire which killed her little dog all within a span of 3 days. My heart is broken for her. But she won't let me help. I have texted her several times and called and got the bum's rush. I picked up the girls yesterday and all I get is yelled at by Sunshine and Daisy got in trouble for not listening to the teacher. Get home and Phil didn't do anything but one load of laundry all day. Took it out of the dryer and transferred another load for me. What is with that? I work full time and I am still suppose to do everything at the house even though he has been laid off since September. I know that I am suppose to just keep my mouth shut but it is really hard. It's not like my life is that hard or anything but a little help would be appreciated. Than if he does help I am suppose to bow down and give thanks. Like he ever thanks me. All I get is nasty looks about the supper I made. Or grouching from the girls because I didn't get their chaple shirts washed. And to top all that off, I am not so crazy about my job. I feel very overwhelmed and not valued, but the pay is to good to go somewhere else. I just really want a day off to myself but that isn't going to happen until Phil gets a job and I don't see that happening anytime soon.

Waa Waa Waa

Gotta go
Karen

Thankfuls...

1. That they finally transferred my membership to my new church
2. My dh and girls
3. It's Tuesday
4. The family I was born into
5. God loves me and blesses me so much
6. I am losing weight
7. I have been able to exercise 5 days a week
8. My job
9. My new to me car
10. My children are happy

Karen

WI last night...

Pretty good. I lost 2.2. Lost the .2 I gained last week and took 2 friends with it. I was really worried that WW wouldn't be open due to the weather. I had a really good feeling about having a loss and thankfully they were open. I am really exited about this loss because I had cake with icing over the weekend at Johnna's shower. I must have made some better choices to go with it. I am working out 5 out of 7 days. I just hope that I can keep this up. I am always worried about falling off the proverbile wagon. Gotta keep this momentum going.

Girls have been out of school for the last two days. Daisy has told us she doesn't want to do Tae Kwan Do. Phil was really upset, he was really getting into it. But it takes effort and she doesn't like that. Same reason she can't ride a bike. It takes putting in effort and work she is having anything to do with it. At least she decided before we laid out the money for her gi and equipment. That would have been $150.00 down the drain.

Have a good one
Karen

Up a bit

I gained .2 at Wi last night. That's not so bad in the scheme of things but when you go all week you want a loss. It will be alright. Not going to let the derail me. Jennifer did come to WW and than we ate at Cici's pizza. She is so funny and cracks me up.

Daisy enjoyed Tae Kwan Do last night and Phil said she is doing pretty good. I gues next week we will spring for all of her equipment. That's $150.00. It's always something.

Thankfulness...
1. Today is Friday
2. My dh and children
3. New MP3 player
4. Maybe a new car this weekend
5. God loves me no matter what size, how stupid and lazy I am.

Peace out
Karen

WI tonight...

It is so funny. I feel this nervousness and excitment and a little bit of dread every Thursday just thinking about WI. I want to lose this weight so bad yet I tend to self sabatoge alot. This week on Saturday and Sunday, I was a snacking machine and not all of them were good for me snacks. Then I figured it out. I was getting ready to start my period. I have never been one to recognize my bodies signals very well so I take this as a good sign. And then I stopped the behaviour. I have been pretty good the rest of the week. So we shall see.

Thankfuls...
1. Thankful Daisy had a good day at school yesterday
2. My dh and girls
3. Today is WI
4. I have a job
5. Meeting my friend Jennifer at WW. She needed a buddy. I do good on my own but some people just need buddies and I have agreed to be hers. I hope she shows up.

Have a great one
Karen

Really tired today. Got to sleep really late. Stayed up watching the Biggest Loser. I don't even know why I do. I think it is only for the transformations. All the drama they try to create drives me crazy.

5 things...
1. That I got up and went to the gym
2. The teacher conf. with Daisy's teacher wasnt as bad as we thought
3. I flat ironed my hair this morning
4. God loves me
5. That we moved back home.

About all I got for today. I am really tired. Oh yeah. I already said that.

Karen

Tae Kwan Do was out

Got an email from Daisy's teacher that she left class to go to the bathroom and never came back. A church worker found her in the church basement. So no Tae Kwan Do, no Wii and no TV for the week. Sounds a little harsh I know but we have to get through to her some way that she has to improve her behaviour. I also have a teacher confernce with her teacher this afternoon after work.

I was so tired yesterday. I went to bad last night at 8:00. That also kept me from eating. I have been so hungry the last few days. I know that it is just PMS. That mindless shoveling of food I did this weekend has to stop.

I want to try to add 5 things I am thankful for each day. I have to stop focusing all my attention on me and food. It's a little sickning actually. So here goes.

1. 4 wheel drive. Wouldn't have made it out of the drive this am without it.
2. My dh and girls.
3. A nice warm apartment
4. A job to go to that pays a really decent wage
5. The ability to go to the gym every morning.

Have a great day
Karen

Weekend's over...

Seems to me we should get an extra day off. It just goes to fast and I am not feeling renewed or refreshed this a.m. LOL. But I did get up and go to the gym this morning at 5:00. Today was treadmill, arms and abs. I added a new arm exercise that is suppose to work the triceps and my arms felt like jelly after. I also did 6 minutes on the elliptical. That thing is just hard. But for some reason I just want to be able to do it and am working up to adding more time.

Daisy starts Tae Kwan Do tonight. She is excited but I wonder how long she is going to like it. Phil said it is alot of work. The got to participate in a class last Thursday and Phil said the first thing the started out with is 200 jumping jacks. That would have killed me. I think I would like to join eventually and Phil said he would to. But for now we are letting this be Daisy's thing.

Sunshine starts gymnastics in two weeks. She has wanted to do this forever. It's only one night a week as opposed to Daisy's 2 nights a week. So right now Monday, Wednesday and Thursday are booked.

Phil and I are still working on getting on track. I just don't know what to say and do anymore. I am feeling very discouraged about him right now. He will not get a job. It is driving me insane. He is perfectly happy to draw unemployment and I am losing alot of respect for him. And while he is sitting home everyday he is not doing anything there either. Well he has started making supper pretty regular but that is it. I have tried to call a counselor we can afford a couple times but she never returns my calls. Somethings gotta give. We looked at a couple of house out of town for rent this weekend but when he called they were both rented out. Very discouraging.

Here's to a better week

Karen

Half assing it...

Phil is trying to quit smoking. It is never pretty when he does. He gets very angry. Mostly, at me and the girls. We already had a confrontation this am and I am almost sure he probably went and got some cigars. His problem not mine. I keep telling him he has to stop half assing it.

Well, I think that's what I am doing. I have been back to WW for 5 weeks now. The first two weeks were awesome and I was as close to perfect as I am ever going to be. But these last 3 weeks I have been half assing it. Not tracking well, eating over my points and eating junk. Not exercising consitantly. Well as of today I am vowing to get my shit together. I cannot control how Phil reacts to quitting smoking. I can only be supportive. I cannot control what happens in life but I can control how I react to it.

So these are my resolutions for 2011

1. Lose 79lbs by 12/31/11
2. Work on being financially solvent
3. Be happy in my marriage
4. Walk 500 miles
5. Quit letting my weight keep me from doing anything.

The first one may be alittle optomistic but I am going to try my best. 2 & 3 are a little vague and I hope as the year progress's I can firm them up. 4 is totaly doable I am just going to have to walk alittle more on the weekends. And, 5 is within my power now. I want to enjoy my life now AND when I lose weight. So why hold off now. Well, I am not anymore.

Wish me luck, and God bless
Karen