Monday

Another weekend has come and gone. Crazy how fast those go.

This coming weekend we are going camping. Big group of us this time. The last few years it has been mostly my younger brother and his family and my family. We used to go camping every holiday in the summer with this group. I think this could be really fun but has the potential to go bad fast. We have all gotten older and less tolerant of bullshit. Plus, it turns out that one family has been feeling like they have been left out when we thought they cut us out. I am all for the live and let live but we will see. I am going into this expecting to have a big ass time. I am determined to have fun if it kills me. LOL

It will be nice to have a distraction this week with getting ready for camping. Its alot of work and will make it so I can't focus on myself so much. I think that that is a big part of my problem. I am in my own head to much. For many years I was really my only companion and I find it hard not to concentrate on only me. Working on it.

Sadness

I am stuck in a state of sadness. I have more sad days than not sad days. Lately, I have not had any happy days. I am sad about the state of my marriage, sad about my weight, sad that my husband can’t or won’t find a job, sad that I am losing my faith, sad that my kids don’t seem to like or want to spend time with me, sad about my job, sad about my family, sad that I don’t have any friends, sad about finances, sad that we don’t own a house. That’s a lot of sad and I don’t know how to fix any of it.

These two should be reason enough to be happy. Thankfully, I don't believe they know how I am feeling. I work really hard at being the happy mom when I am home. I need to figure this out though. I wish I could afford to go to a doctor about this. But with one income and no insurance that isn't going to happen.

A revelation?

This morning on my walk I was doing some thinking about my weight. Like I do every damn day. But specifically I was thinking about binge eating. To me a binge is something I do in secret with way to much food. I realized that I have been a binge eater the majority of my life.

When I lived at home, my mom did not buy alot of snack food but that didn't stop me. I would eat tablespoons of peanut butter, sneak some of my dad's peanuts, eat the cake batter when baking a cake (no wondered my cakes never rose), eat the hamburger I was frying for supper. Not to mention the food when cleaning off the table.

I got to wondering why I binge. I still don't know that answer but then it lead me to thinking about something else entirely. When we were young my brother closest to me in age used to call me an elephant. My mom and he thought it was hilarious. She would also let us fight, wrestle in the living room floor. I think it is possible that on some deep level she did not like me and found this stuff funny. I just thought it was cool that we could fight each other, but I think she hoped he would best me. I "know" that she loved me but I dont think she really ever liked me. And of course, I proved her right by totally screwing up my life. Making many bad choices.

She is gone and I cant talk with her about any of this. It makes me profoundly sad because I love and miss her so much. I am going to try and think and feel these things. Try to keep track of them and not push them down or suppress them because they make me sad. Maybe than I can figure out why food is the center of my life.

Struggling

I have never had a time that I have not struggled with my weight. Even when I wasn't fat I thought I was fat and had to lose weight. I can never seem to make weight loss a lasting thing. This week has been a struggle. The stress with my marriage seems to be getting the better of me and I just let it be an excuse for a free for all. Yesterday was better and today is going well so far. Tomorrow is WI so we will see what has happened.

Divorce-maybe????

Looks like we are headed that way. Phil doesn't seem to give a rip anymore and says marriage counsling wont work. He was suppose to call yesterday to set things up anyway and called one place and my Pastor who is out. I am a little edgy about it but not as upset (at this moment)about it as I feel I should be.

Here is how my OP day is going so far.

E-55 min walk
B-Breakfast cookie
L-Tuna, steamed broccoli, tomatos, grapes, apple
D-not sure yet

Last night I made myself scrambled eggs with peppers and onion and some toast for supper. I so wanted something fattning for snack because of above stress but I ate 2 bananas, topped with Lt Redi whip and choc syrup.