A revelation?

This morning on my walk I was doing some thinking about my weight. Like I do every damn day. But specifically I was thinking about binge eating. To me a binge is something I do in secret with way to much food. I realized that I have been a binge eater the majority of my life.

When I lived at home, my mom did not buy alot of snack food but that didn't stop me. I would eat tablespoons of peanut butter, sneak some of my dad's peanuts, eat the cake batter when baking a cake (no wondered my cakes never rose), eat the hamburger I was frying for supper. Not to mention the food when cleaning off the table.

I got to wondering why I binge. I still don't know that answer but then it lead me to thinking about something else entirely. When we were young my brother closest to me in age used to call me an elephant. My mom and he thought it was hilarious. She would also let us fight, wrestle in the living room floor. I think it is possible that on some deep level she did not like me and found this stuff funny. I just thought it was cool that we could fight each other, but I think she hoped he would best me. I "know" that she loved me but I dont think she really ever liked me. And of course, I proved her right by totally screwing up my life. Making many bad choices.

She is gone and I cant talk with her about any of this. It makes me profoundly sad because I love and miss her so much. I am going to try and think and feel these things. Try to keep track of them and not push them down or suppress them because they make me sad. Maybe than I can figure out why food is the center of my life.

Struggling

I have never had a time that I have not struggled with my weight. Even when I wasn't fat I thought I was fat and had to lose weight. I can never seem to make weight loss a lasting thing. This week has been a struggle. The stress with my marriage seems to be getting the better of me and I just let it be an excuse for a free for all. Yesterday was better and today is going well so far. Tomorrow is WI so we will see what has happened.

Divorce-maybe????

Looks like we are headed that way. Phil doesn't seem to give a rip anymore and says marriage counsling wont work. He was suppose to call yesterday to set things up anyway and called one place and my Pastor who is out. I am a little edgy about it but not as upset (at this moment)about it as I feel I should be.

Here is how my OP day is going so far.

E-55 min walk
B-Breakfast cookie
L-Tuna, steamed broccoli, tomatos, grapes, apple
D-not sure yet

Last night I made myself scrambled eggs with peppers and onion and some toast for supper. I so wanted something fattning for snack because of above stress but I ate 2 bananas, topped with Lt Redi whip and choc syrup.

Been awhile since I posted anything here. Not that anyone reads it but me. I like the idea of blogging, my online diary really but I cant seem to be consistent with it. This is my attempt to try again.

I went back to Ww about 3 weeks ago. The first week I did really well and lost 6.6lbs. My starting weight was almost at the top again. 240. This past week was not so good and I didn't go to WI this week. But I am starting this week strong.

E-50 minute walk-10 pushups-3m/7w
B-Breakfast cookie
L-Salad-spinach, roast chicken, tomato, pepper, onion, string cheese, FF western sd
Grapes
S-Apple

Not sure about dinner yet.