Mother's Day!

Mother's Day has always been rough for me. I have lost 3 children had many years of infertility and than lost my mom over 10 years ago. I have my two girls and they make it at least bearable. I don't know what I would do without them. I miss you Mom.

Family...

Family is a funny thing. I used to think that my family was really close. I have 3 brothers, now 3 sister in laws, 2 sister and 1 brother in law, and many nieces and nephews. There are six kids in my dad's family to. All but 1 of them have children. Since my mom died, almost 11 years ago, my immediate family have been drifting further and further apart. This past year or so I would say that no one even really cares if we see each other or not. People don't come to each others things and don't even bother to call. Since Grandma has passed the same thing seems to be holding true but only for Dad's kids. We are left out of things and just pretty much ignored. And I think I am the only one who really cares about that. Everyone else seems to take it as a matter of course. I am not sure why I can't. It actually makes me really sad and I miss everyone very much. Even the ones who don't like me. I am not sure how I resolve this within myself. I don't really see it changing within the family so I need to figure out a way to be ok with it and move on. I love them all very much so this is going to be hard but I have to do it. Because in all honesty the one being hurt is me and I am letting it continue. I guess I need to buck up and quit wearing my heart on my sleeve. I miss my mommy. :(

The wheels move slowly

Phil has a line on a job. It is a temp with the possiblity of hire and it provides health insurance when you get hired on full time. That would be so sweet. Of course, this is not for sure and we wont know anything until after Wednesday. Patient. I need to be patient. We also found out that we got the ok to take over the duplex that a friend of ours has. Again, we are not sure when. Since Phil isn't working I have to come up with the money on my own and well I have alot of other obligations right now. So the soonest we could move in would be June 5th. So 28 days. Patient. I need to be patient. So things are not looking so hopeless anymore. We are just in this period of wait and see. That can be stressful all the same. Trying not to let it get to me and staying upbeat for the girls and Phil. Thank you God for giving us hope back. For caring for us in our time of need. Please, help me to remember this and to help others.

Holding pattern

Life feels like it is in a holding pattern right now. We are living with my dad, we have no money, Phil has no job, I am still fat, the girls are still sassy. But, truly, life does go on and I need to find a way to stay in it. Stay engaged. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep. Until things are better. LOL. I don't think that will work. Hopefully, something will break for us soon. Let's hope in a good way.

Hope

I am one of those people that just cannot live without hope. Right now our situation feels hopeless. I know that it is not but it feels it. I am also one of those people with to many damn feelings. I am one big mess of feelings. Hurt feelings, sad feelings, angry feelings. I wish I could step out of myself just one day. Phil has a job interview today. He really is trying to find work this time. It's tough. He doesn't have a good background. The longest he has stayed at a job is 3 years. He is a really good worker when he likes the job but you know everyone gets bored after awhile and than it is all down hill from there. Plus add in the fact that he is 49 and looks like a biker and no one wants to give him a chance. I want to be hopeful and support his but I am just not feeling it. The house search continues to suck. I wish Dad would offer Grandma's house. But no, he offered it to Caleb. Screw you oldest daughter and family. I know I should be greatful. And I am. He took us in when we had no where else to go. But shit I just feel like I don't matter. See what I mean too many damn feelings. Karen

Homeless..

I am really not homeless in the real sense of the word. True I do not have a home at this time but I have a safe place to stay. My children have a bed to sleep in and we are fine. I cannot imagine how someone who is truly homeless feels. How they survive day to day. I so wish that I could do something to help. But I get stuck in my feel sorry for me mode. How do I help, how can I find out how to help? I don't know. Hopefully, soon we will be able to find a home. Even if it is only temprary. But more important I hope that I can remember that there are many out there with no home and see if I can find a way to help. Not to be so selfish and think only of myself. Phil has a interview tomorrow and he is looking at a couple other places to apply. I hope something comes along soon. We are in pretty dire straights right now. He looked at a place last night. It was a single wide trailer and would work as temporary digs but he said it was in really bad shape and the landlord had not intentions of fixing it. So the search continues.