I don't know how to deal with hurt and anger well. For the most part I cry and than eat. I am really trying to figure out where I stand with Phil anymore. He wont talk to me. He says the nicest things in text message but not in person. And he doesn't want to hear what I have to say either. He will completely change the subject. I guess I should just let it be. If we dont talk seriously we cant argue at least. I dont know how to be me anymore. I dont know who I am. I dont feel that I have any value to anyone. Not sure where to go from here.
Karen
Monday, November 14, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Not much going on with the blogs I read, lately. They are all busy with their lives and that is as it should be. Makes me realize that I am not paying enough attention to my life.
I don't know what I am going to do about my weight. I am consumed with thoughts about it and food all day every day. Yet I am completely uncomfortable in my own skin. I am so fat right now that I weeze and can hardly move. I am right back to where I started in 2008. I feel like a total failure and a complete waste of space. I know what I need to do but cannot seem to sustain in longer than a half day. I have prayed about it but feel like He is not listening or it isnt the answer I need. I am dieing inside and I cannot seem to stop myself from overeating.
Overeating. Sounds like such a nice calm word for eating to much food. That is not what I do. I gorge myself. Stuff it in as fast as I can. Feeling miserable the whole time. Feeling like a failure. But damn the food tastes so good. And I am constantly looking for more. I am at work right now. Just pollished off a breakfast meal from Sonic and thinking I wonder if there is anything here to eat. I am by no means hungry. What is wrong with me? Why do I do this to me and my family? I am hurting them just as much as I am hurting myself. Sometimes I feel like I am hanging on by a fingernail to my sanity, life, health. I dont even know anymore.
My marriage. I dont know where we are right now. We are both tiptoeing around the real issues and being nice to each other. But it will hit again and than where will we be. I actually spoke with a lawyer this last time but decided not to pursue. I feel like God wants us to stay together but I am so angry all the time. He makes me so angry. He still will not help with the bills, hasn't started looking for a job, would rather watch a TV show that talk to me. And I keep trying not to let my resentment build and show but what am I to do? Maybe I deserve it.
My children. I love saying that. I love them so much. But they are at an age right now where they think I am worthless. They don't like being around me and are so disrespectful. I am not sure how to handle all of this. Maybe I deserve this to.
No real point to any of this. NO real plan. Just wanted to get it out.
Karen
I don't know what I am going to do about my weight. I am consumed with thoughts about it and food all day every day. Yet I am completely uncomfortable in my own skin. I am so fat right now that I weeze and can hardly move. I am right back to where I started in 2008. I feel like a total failure and a complete waste of space. I know what I need to do but cannot seem to sustain in longer than a half day. I have prayed about it but feel like He is not listening or it isnt the answer I need. I am dieing inside and I cannot seem to stop myself from overeating.
Overeating. Sounds like such a nice calm word for eating to much food. That is not what I do. I gorge myself. Stuff it in as fast as I can. Feeling miserable the whole time. Feeling like a failure. But damn the food tastes so good. And I am constantly looking for more. I am at work right now. Just pollished off a breakfast meal from Sonic and thinking I wonder if there is anything here to eat. I am by no means hungry. What is wrong with me? Why do I do this to me and my family? I am hurting them just as much as I am hurting myself. Sometimes I feel like I am hanging on by a fingernail to my sanity, life, health. I dont even know anymore.
My marriage. I dont know where we are right now. We are both tiptoeing around the real issues and being nice to each other. But it will hit again and than where will we be. I actually spoke with a lawyer this last time but decided not to pursue. I feel like God wants us to stay together but I am so angry all the time. He makes me so angry. He still will not help with the bills, hasn't started looking for a job, would rather watch a TV show that talk to me. And I keep trying not to let my resentment build and show but what am I to do? Maybe I deserve it.
My children. I love saying that. I love them so much. But they are at an age right now where they think I am worthless. They don't like being around me and are so disrespectful. I am not sure how to handle all of this. Maybe I deserve this to.
No real point to any of this. NO real plan. Just wanted to get it out.
Karen
Friday, November 4, 2011
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