Regret

I live with a lot of regret. I had very low self esteem all through school and dating was a terrible problem for me. First off, no one every asked me out on a date. I had several blind dates but no one just came up and asked me out. I felt like I was really fat (even though) I probably weighed less than 140lbs. So when I went into the Army, I was basically ripe for the picking for any guy that paid me any attention. Not good. And they paid attention; I guess I was considered pretty then. I didn’t handle it well at all. I guess you could say I lost my ever living mind. I got pregnant within a short time. I didn’t tell my parent’s until he was born. Than I had to call them back and tell them he died. I broke their hearts. It seemed sometimes that was all I was good at. When I got out of the service, I got pregnant again. Lost that baby also. Filed bankruptcy several times. Moved a lot. Changed jobs a lot. Married someone my parent’s were not crazy about. Gained a lot of weight.

My siblings don’t like me much, my husband doesn’t respect me, my dad tolerates me ( I mean I know he loves me but he doesn’t really want to spend time with me or my family). So I have a lot of regret. Sometimes it is suffocating. I realize that a lot of time that I am operating from regret. It’s an ongoing problem for me. And, I fear that it will hurt my children if I can’t figure out how to let this stuff go. There is nothing that I can do about it now. But, I can’t seem to let it go. I want so much to be the person God made me to be but I can’t figure that out either. I am thinking of seeing a counselor. Money is always the struggle though. Maybe when I get things lined out with my checking account.

Oh, yeah. Phil and I separated our money. He was never happy with how I paid the bills or spent money and he overdrew us a lot so now we have separate checking accounts. Another regret.

Karen

Overwhelmed

Daisy is really having trouble in school. Her behavior is getting out of hand and I don't know how to help her. We started taking her to a counselor last week. I really like this lady and I hope that she is able to help her.

My weight loss also sucks ass. There is none to speak of and I feel like crap.

My marriage is also sinking fast. Trouble is I don't think that Phil cares and I am starting not to. Not sure what to do about that either.

I am going to try to refocus starting today.

Goals for March 9th to September 9th:

-Workout 5 days a week
-Track every meal, bite, lick and taste
-Attend weekly meetings
-Write & post pics to my blog once a week
-Choose to be happy
-Get 8 hours of sleep a night
-Plan meals weekly
-Pray everyday
-Take care of my skin
-Pay bills on time
-Join a bible class

Spiritually, I am not feeling connected to God. I feel that my prayers don't reach him and on really bad days I feel like he doesn't care. I know that is not true but I do tend to feel sorry for myself. I feel really disconnected from my life right now. I am hoping the above list will get me back on track and I pray that God will be with me every step of the way.

God bless
Karen

A crying jag...

We didn't get the house. We found a house for rent w/4 bedrooms out in the country. Phil talked to the landlord and he said he had told another couple they were next in line. He would call them and if they didn't want it it would be ours. We finally heard back from him after a very long weekend and he said we could pick up an app. Phil turned it back in Tuesday and he heard from him today and those people called back and want it. Damn it to hell. I just want to scream. We are always and dime shy and a day late and it is totally pissing me off. I want a house damn it and I want it now. Is that to damn much to ask? Shit this sucks ass.

Karen

What to do...

I don't understand the relationship Phil and I have. We can be getting along wonderful and the next thing you know we are at each others throats. We are trying to get a new place out in the country. He told so many lies when he talked to this guy I could not even fill out the application because I dont know what he said. This drives me insane. I know that we all tell lies to some extent but I am not sure he knows how to tell the truth. He always is shading it. And this not getting a job. I hate it and sometimes I hate him. I try to overlook it. I try to be understanding. But it makes me so angry. And you would think he could help me at home. He will make supper a couple nights are do a load of towels and he acts like I should bow at his feet. Bullshit. This morning for example, he got up and dressed himself and helped Averi with her belt and took the girls to school. I on the other hand-got supper started (Salisbury steaks), folded two loads of clothes washed one, unloaded the dishwasher and put the breakfast dishes in, got the girls up and breakfast, fixed their hair, put clothes away, made my breakfast and lunch, got ready for work, made sure the girls brushed their teeth, got Sunshine's money for school. I am just tired of it and I can't get through him. He doesnt' even care. And I guess I am just going to have to grin and bear it. I almost can't stand to look at him some days. He sits on the couch all day or runs around with his buddies and doesn't even see that he could help me. And makes sure I understand it is all my fault. I am so pissed and gotta get passed it.