I don't know what is wrong with me..

I do fine all week long and the weekend strikes and my eating goes to hell. I go in to total snack mode. I can't get enough. All I want to do is eat. I want to lose weight so much, it is always on my mind, yet I sabatoge myself on a regular basis. Makes no sense to me. I have decided to try something differnt. I always try to squeeze time in to read the bible after my workouts and I never seem to pray on a consistent basis. I was getting up at 4:30 to work out and was tired all day long. I am going to start my day around 5:00. Read my bible, do a devotion out of the Portals of Prayer and pray. Than as soon as I get off, I am going to the gym to work out. I did this this morning. I am hoping to develop a relationship with God, stop thinking of myself so much, and shift my attention to others more often.

Thankfuls...
1. I got to read my bible this am
2. Phil is supportive of my new plan
3. My dh and girls
4. I have a job
5. I am going to Cheyenne's game tonight
6. I am able to walk, talk and reason
7. God loves me
8. I had a good weekend
9. Laundry is almost done for the week
10. Apartment is clean


Have a good one
Karen

It's amazing what sex can do...

I had the most awesome sex last night and I feel so much better about life. That is so crazy really. I think its because during that time I felt such a connection to Phil. I don't think he feels the same way really. He was just happy to be having sex. LOL.

I had a really bad day yesterday. Not eating wise just in attitude. I hate when my attitude is in the toilet. I really am annoyed at my job. But I have to have one and this one pays really well so I just need to get over it.

Tonight is WI. I really don't have any feelings good or bad. I am assuming a gain since I have been doing so well. Need to get in the right frame of mind to deal with it.

Have a good one
Karen

Feeling pissy and sorry for myself

My sister broke up with her boyfriend, had a house fire which killed her little dog all within a span of 3 days. My heart is broken for her. But she won't let me help. I have texted her several times and called and got the bum's rush. I picked up the girls yesterday and all I get is yelled at by Sunshine and Daisy got in trouble for not listening to the teacher. Get home and Phil didn't do anything but one load of laundry all day. Took it out of the dryer and transferred another load for me. What is with that? I work full time and I am still suppose to do everything at the house even though he has been laid off since September. I know that I am suppose to just keep my mouth shut but it is really hard. It's not like my life is that hard or anything but a little help would be appreciated. Than if he does help I am suppose to bow down and give thanks. Like he ever thanks me. All I get is nasty looks about the supper I made. Or grouching from the girls because I didn't get their chaple shirts washed. And to top all that off, I am not so crazy about my job. I feel very overwhelmed and not valued, but the pay is to good to go somewhere else. I just really want a day off to myself but that isn't going to happen until Phil gets a job and I don't see that happening anytime soon.

Waa Waa Waa

Gotta go
Karen

Thankfuls...

1. That they finally transferred my membership to my new church
2. My dh and girls
3. It's Tuesday
4. The family I was born into
5. God loves me and blesses me so much
6. I am losing weight
7. I have been able to exercise 5 days a week
8. My job
9. My new to me car
10. My children are happy

Karen

WI last night...

Pretty good. I lost 2.2. Lost the .2 I gained last week and took 2 friends with it. I was really worried that WW wouldn't be open due to the weather. I had a really good feeling about having a loss and thankfully they were open. I am really exited about this loss because I had cake with icing over the weekend at Johnna's shower. I must have made some better choices to go with it. I am working out 5 out of 7 days. I just hope that I can keep this up. I am always worried about falling off the proverbile wagon. Gotta keep this momentum going.

Girls have been out of school for the last two days. Daisy has told us she doesn't want to do Tae Kwan Do. Phil was really upset, he was really getting into it. But it takes effort and she doesn't like that. Same reason she can't ride a bike. It takes putting in effort and work she is having anything to do with it. At least she decided before we laid out the money for her gi and equipment. That would have been $150.00 down the drain.

Have a good one
Karen

Up a bit

I gained .2 at Wi last night. That's not so bad in the scheme of things but when you go all week you want a loss. It will be alright. Not going to let the derail me. Jennifer did come to WW and than we ate at Cici's pizza. She is so funny and cracks me up.

Daisy enjoyed Tae Kwan Do last night and Phil said she is doing pretty good. I gues next week we will spring for all of her equipment. That's $150.00. It's always something.

Thankfulness...
1. Today is Friday
2. My dh and children
3. New MP3 player
4. Maybe a new car this weekend
5. God loves me no matter what size, how stupid and lazy I am.

Peace out
Karen

WI tonight...

It is so funny. I feel this nervousness and excitment and a little bit of dread every Thursday just thinking about WI. I want to lose this weight so bad yet I tend to self sabatoge alot. This week on Saturday and Sunday, I was a snacking machine and not all of them were good for me snacks. Then I figured it out. I was getting ready to start my period. I have never been one to recognize my bodies signals very well so I take this as a good sign. And then I stopped the behaviour. I have been pretty good the rest of the week. So we shall see.

Thankfuls...
1. Thankful Daisy had a good day at school yesterday
2. My dh and girls
3. Today is WI
4. I have a job
5. Meeting my friend Jennifer at WW. She needed a buddy. I do good on my own but some people just need buddies and I have agreed to be hers. I hope she shows up.

Have a great one
Karen

Really tired today. Got to sleep really late. Stayed up watching the Biggest Loser. I don't even know why I do. I think it is only for the transformations. All the drama they try to create drives me crazy.

5 things...
1. That I got up and went to the gym
2. The teacher conf. with Daisy's teacher wasnt as bad as we thought
3. I flat ironed my hair this morning
4. God loves me
5. That we moved back home.

About all I got for today. I am really tired. Oh yeah. I already said that.

Karen

Tae Kwan Do was out

Got an email from Daisy's teacher that she left class to go to the bathroom and never came back. A church worker found her in the church basement. So no Tae Kwan Do, no Wii and no TV for the week. Sounds a little harsh I know but we have to get through to her some way that she has to improve her behaviour. I also have a teacher confernce with her teacher this afternoon after work.

I was so tired yesterday. I went to bad last night at 8:00. That also kept me from eating. I have been so hungry the last few days. I know that it is just PMS. That mindless shoveling of food I did this weekend has to stop.

I want to try to add 5 things I am thankful for each day. I have to stop focusing all my attention on me and food. It's a little sickning actually. So here goes.

1. 4 wheel drive. Wouldn't have made it out of the drive this am without it.
2. My dh and girls.
3. A nice warm apartment
4. A job to go to that pays a really decent wage
5. The ability to go to the gym every morning.

Have a great day
Karen

Weekend's over...

Seems to me we should get an extra day off. It just goes to fast and I am not feeling renewed or refreshed this a.m. LOL. But I did get up and go to the gym this morning at 5:00. Today was treadmill, arms and abs. I added a new arm exercise that is suppose to work the triceps and my arms felt like jelly after. I also did 6 minutes on the elliptical. That thing is just hard. But for some reason I just want to be able to do it and am working up to adding more time.

Daisy starts Tae Kwan Do tonight. She is excited but I wonder how long she is going to like it. Phil said it is alot of work. The got to participate in a class last Thursday and Phil said the first thing the started out with is 200 jumping jacks. That would have killed me. I think I would like to join eventually and Phil said he would to. But for now we are letting this be Daisy's thing.

Sunshine starts gymnastics in two weeks. She has wanted to do this forever. It's only one night a week as opposed to Daisy's 2 nights a week. So right now Monday, Wednesday and Thursday are booked.

Phil and I are still working on getting on track. I just don't know what to say and do anymore. I am feeling very discouraged about him right now. He will not get a job. It is driving me insane. He is perfectly happy to draw unemployment and I am losing alot of respect for him. And while he is sitting home everyday he is not doing anything there either. Well he has started making supper pretty regular but that is it. I have tried to call a counselor we can afford a couple times but she never returns my calls. Somethings gotta give. We looked at a couple of house out of town for rent this weekend but when he called they were both rented out. Very discouraging.

Here's to a better week

Karen

Half assing it...

Phil is trying to quit smoking. It is never pretty when he does. He gets very angry. Mostly, at me and the girls. We already had a confrontation this am and I am almost sure he probably went and got some cigars. His problem not mine. I keep telling him he has to stop half assing it.

Well, I think that's what I am doing. I have been back to WW for 5 weeks now. The first two weeks were awesome and I was as close to perfect as I am ever going to be. But these last 3 weeks I have been half assing it. Not tracking well, eating over my points and eating junk. Not exercising consitantly. Well as of today I am vowing to get my shit together. I cannot control how Phil reacts to quitting smoking. I can only be supportive. I cannot control what happens in life but I can control how I react to it.

So these are my resolutions for 2011

1. Lose 79lbs by 12/31/11
2. Work on being financially solvent
3. Be happy in my marriage
4. Walk 500 miles
5. Quit letting my weight keep me from doing anything.

The first one may be alittle optomistic but I am going to try my best. 2 & 3 are a little vague and I hope as the year progress's I can firm them up. 4 is totaly doable I am just going to have to walk alittle more on the weekends. And, 5 is within my power now. I want to enjoy my life now AND when I lose weight. So why hold off now. Well, I am not anymore.

Wish me luck, and God bless
Karen