6/24/10
I am not even going to post my food today. To embarrassing to even admit. I am not sure what I am going to do. How to move on from here. I am feeling utterly hopeless and helpless. I don’t know how to get my mojo back. I feel disgusted, lonely, sad, scared and angry. How do you feel that all at one time without exploding? I want to lose this weight so bad. Well, to be honest with you I just want to be skinny. If I could chop it off I would. Feeling really sorry for myself today. Not sure what I can do to snap out of it. This week Phil has been gone has really derailed me. But I let it. Almost embraced it. Like he wouldn’t know. Maybe he is a disgusted with me as I am with myself. Maybe that’s why he didn’t have any time to talk to me this week. I hate what I have become and what I am letting myself become again. God, please help me.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Jokes on me...
6/23/10
Well, I guess the joke was on me. Phil finally started working out of town. Was suppose to do this almost 2 months ago. The pay is really good so we couldn’t pass on it. He was not excited about it and neither were the girls. I on the other hand was kindof looking forward to it. I always feel like such a failure as a wife. Pretty much on a daily basis. He left on Monday and has been acting like he doesn’t even want to talk to us the one time a day he calls home. On a usual day he will call me from 2-5 times a day. They don’t have very good reception apparently. He called this morning at 6:00 and said he would call back to talk to the girls in a couple hours and it is now 3:00 and he hasn’t called. I just don’t know what to think. Monday he said that they may work up there on Friday and than he is going to Missouri to Macke’s party. I don’t want to say anything to him. I guess I should be glad he is not homesick but we sure miss him. Needless to say eats have not been that good. To embarrassed to even post them. And no exercise either. All I want to do is sit and cry. Gotta snap out of it.
On a good note-Sunshine and Daisy have been going to swim camp all week. Last year, Daisy wouldnt even get her head wet and the last two days she has been jumping off the low dive into the deep water. Sunshine is having a little trouble with diving but she is doing the advanced strokes like she was born in the water. I have always said she is more comfortable in water than on land. I am so proud of them both. The just have 2 more days left.
Well, I guess the joke was on me. Phil finally started working out of town. Was suppose to do this almost 2 months ago. The pay is really good so we couldn’t pass on it. He was not excited about it and neither were the girls. I on the other hand was kindof looking forward to it. I always feel like such a failure as a wife. Pretty much on a daily basis. He left on Monday and has been acting like he doesn’t even want to talk to us the one time a day he calls home. On a usual day he will call me from 2-5 times a day. They don’t have very good reception apparently. He called this morning at 6:00 and said he would call back to talk to the girls in a couple hours and it is now 3:00 and he hasn’t called. I just don’t know what to think. Monday he said that they may work up there on Friday and than he is going to Missouri to Macke’s party. I don’t want to say anything to him. I guess I should be glad he is not homesick but we sure miss him. Needless to say eats have not been that good. To embarrassed to even post them. And no exercise either. All I want to do is sit and cry. Gotta snap out of it.
On a good note-Sunshine and Daisy have been going to swim camp all week. Last year, Daisy wouldnt even get her head wet and the last two days she has been jumping off the low dive into the deep water. Sunshine is having a little trouble with diving but she is doing the advanced strokes like she was born in the water. I have always said she is more comfortable in water than on land. I am so proud of them both. The just have 2 more days left.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
6/22/10
6/18/10 weight in: -3.8lbs
Well, we went home for the weekend. Eats were not the most nutritious but I will try to recount them. Gotta get back into journaling.
Saturday eats
Exercise-outside walk-4.7 miles 1hr 15minutes approx 600 cal.
Breakfast-breakfast cookie
Lunch-Denny’s-southwest skillet
Bacon, scrambled egg, has browns, peppers & onions
Dinner-BBQ hamburger, mac-n-cheese, potato salad, baked beans
Snack-3 Smirnoff ice, ice-cream cake, choc mousse cake, silk pie
Tried to make the desserts small but you know what can I say
Sunday eats
Exercise-None
Breakfast-coconut roll, glazed donut
Lunch-Pizza Hut-4 small pcs hamburger onion pizza, salad, pepsi, 2
2 small breadsticks, marinara sauce
Dinner-lucky charms cereal, 2% milk
Monday eats
Exercise-None
Breakfast-breakfast cookie
Lunch-McDonalds southern chicken meal, lg coke
Dinner-2 big bowls lucky charms, 2% milk, Doritos, sprite
Phil is out of town for the week and frankly, it is screwing with me. I don’t feel like I can exercise worried about the girls. Just need to get up and do it. Making excuses and it drives me crazy.
Tuesday eats
Exercise-None yet
Breakfast-None
Lunch-Large salad
Spinach, broccoli, bacon bits, cheese, tomatos, broccoli &
FF French dressing
Dinner-Mexican chicken, brown rice
6/18/10 weight in: -3.8lbs
Well, we went home for the weekend. Eats were not the most nutritious but I will try to recount them. Gotta get back into journaling.
Saturday eats
Exercise-outside walk-4.7 miles 1hr 15minutes approx 600 cal.
Breakfast-breakfast cookie
Lunch-Denny’s-southwest skillet
Bacon, scrambled egg, has browns, peppers & onions
Dinner-BBQ hamburger, mac-n-cheese, potato salad, baked beans
Snack-3 Smirnoff ice, ice-cream cake, choc mousse cake, silk pie
Tried to make the desserts small but you know what can I say
Sunday eats
Exercise-None
Breakfast-coconut roll, glazed donut
Lunch-Pizza Hut-4 small pcs hamburger onion pizza, salad, pepsi, 2
2 small breadsticks, marinara sauce
Dinner-lucky charms cereal, 2% milk
Monday eats
Exercise-None
Breakfast-breakfast cookie
Lunch-McDonalds southern chicken meal, lg coke
Dinner-2 big bowls lucky charms, 2% milk, Doritos, sprite
Phil is out of town for the week and frankly, it is screwing with me. I don’t feel like I can exercise worried about the girls. Just need to get up and do it. Making excuses and it drives me crazy.
Tuesday eats
Exercise-None yet
Breakfast-None
Lunch-Large salad
Spinach, broccoli, bacon bits, cheese, tomatos, broccoli &
FF French dressing
Dinner-Mexican chicken, brown rice
Friday, June 18, 2010
6/18/10
Well, Thursday's dinner changed. We ate at Steak N Shake, I had a chicago frank and bacon cheese fries and a couple bites of ice cream. Not the best choices but really nothing there is.
Friday eats
Exercise-Outside walk-2.5 miles 50 minutes
Breakfast-breakfast cookie-I am addicted
Lunch-steamed broccoli, LG 3 cheese chicken, watermelon
Dinner-mexican chicken, brown rice, sfff pudding
We are going to Missouri this weekend for Father's Day. We of course have no money. It works out cheeper if we go on Saturday but Phil is always giving me trouble about that. I dont like going and getting there at night. Of course, he would go out with his nephews and the girls and I would go to my dad's. He gets aggravated with me and I almost always give in. Why cant we just have a nice leasurely day on Saturday. Besides, I haven't packed and I have laundry to do. Sometimes he is a big pain in my ass!
Going to try and be "good" this weekend and not take it as a license to pig out. Gotta stay on track. It is amazing how much better I feel this week since I have been exercising and eating better. Like a differnt person. I wish I could remember that when I start to slide.
Gotta run. They actually expect me to work here. I just dont understand it.LOL
Friday eats
Exercise-Outside walk-2.5 miles 50 minutes
Breakfast-breakfast cookie-I am addicted
Lunch-steamed broccoli, LG 3 cheese chicken, watermelon
Dinner-mexican chicken, brown rice, sfff pudding
We are going to Missouri this weekend for Father's Day. We of course have no money. It works out cheeper if we go on Saturday but Phil is always giving me trouble about that. I dont like going and getting there at night. Of course, he would go out with his nephews and the girls and I would go to my dad's. He gets aggravated with me and I almost always give in. Why cant we just have a nice leasurely day on Saturday. Besides, I haven't packed and I have laundry to do. Sometimes he is a big pain in my ass!
Going to try and be "good" this weekend and not take it as a license to pig out. Gotta stay on track. It is amazing how much better I feel this week since I have been exercising and eating better. Like a differnt person. I wish I could remember that when I start to slide.
Gotta run. They actually expect me to work here. I just dont understand it.LOL
Thursday, June 17, 2010
6/17/10
Wednesday eats
Exercise-Outside walk 2.3 miles-50 minutes
Breakfast-breakfast cookie
Lunch-LC pizza, 2 slices totino pizza
Snack-orange
Dinner-scrambled eggs, 4 slices turkey bacon, Arnold sandwich thin, margarine, WW smothie, Redi whip
Not a bad day. Could always be better. Me and the girls also walked to the post office than home, than library and home which added about 2 more miles. The girls were worn out but they were real troopers.
Thursday eats
Exercise-Outside walk-3 miles-1 hour
Breakfast-breakfast cookie
Lunch-grilled cheese, HC chicken noodle soup, cauliflower, amish crackers, LC cheese, V-8, Skinny cow choc truffle bar
Dinner-Mexican chicken, brown rice
This is what I am suppose to have for dinner. We will see.
Wednesday eats
Exercise-Outside walk 2.3 miles-50 minutes
Breakfast-breakfast cookie
Lunch-LC pizza, 2 slices totino pizza
Snack-orange
Dinner-scrambled eggs, 4 slices turkey bacon, Arnold sandwich thin, margarine, WW smothie, Redi whip
Not a bad day. Could always be better. Me and the girls also walked to the post office than home, than library and home which added about 2 more miles. The girls were worn out but they were real troopers.
Thursday eats
Exercise-Outside walk-3 miles-1 hour
Breakfast-breakfast cookie
Lunch-grilled cheese, HC chicken noodle soup, cauliflower, amish crackers, LC cheese, V-8, Skinny cow choc truffle bar
Dinner-Mexican chicken, brown rice
This is what I am suppose to have for dinner. We will see.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
6/16/10
It has been an interesting couple of days. Monday, Phil called me to tell me that he dropped his glasses down a 50ft well. At first, I started to get upset but really what would be the point. It’s not like he did it on purpose. I started thinking it was funny. I mean really it’s like we have this black cloud following us, sometimes you just gotta laugh. He was not amused. Anyone that knows Phil knows he cant see jack crap without his glasses. So, I took a sick day Tuesday and we all went to Champaign to get him some new glasses. He needed bifocals anyway. So now he is set up but of course that puts us in the hole financially, I had to rob Peter to pay Paul again.
Tuesday’s eats
Exercise-Outside walk-3 miles-1hour
Breakfast-Saurkraut, olive oil, kidney beans, peppers & onions-water
Lunch-Fried chicken wing, ¼ slice pizza calzone, 3 fried potatos, bite of Salisbury steak, small taco salad, small slice coconut cream pie, small pc cheesecake, water
Dinner-McDonalds southwest salad-minus frito chips, Lt Italian dressing-water
Snack-pudding
Wouldn’t have been so bad except we ate at a buffet. Not beating myself up. Moving on
It has been an interesting couple of days. Monday, Phil called me to tell me that he dropped his glasses down a 50ft well. At first, I started to get upset but really what would be the point. It’s not like he did it on purpose. I started thinking it was funny. I mean really it’s like we have this black cloud following us, sometimes you just gotta laugh. He was not amused. Anyone that knows Phil knows he cant see jack crap without his glasses. So, I took a sick day Tuesday and we all went to Champaign to get him some new glasses. He needed bifocals anyway. So now he is set up but of course that puts us in the hole financially, I had to rob Peter to pay Paul again.
Tuesday’s eats
Exercise-Outside walk-3 miles-1hour
Breakfast-Saurkraut, olive oil, kidney beans, peppers & onions-water
Lunch-Fried chicken wing, ¼ slice pizza calzone, 3 fried potatos, bite of Salisbury steak, small taco salad, small slice coconut cream pie, small pc cheesecake, water
Dinner-McDonalds southwest salad-minus frito chips, Lt Italian dressing-water
Snack-pudding
Wouldn’t have been so bad except we ate at a buffet. Not beating myself up. Moving on
Monday, June 14, 2010
6/14/10
Well, I did not start on Friday. I was in such a bad mood. Really feeling all the woo is me syndrome (as I like to call it). Mentally, I cussed out everyone all day. Didnt think I would be able to handle trying to watch the diet to. I did however start on Saturday.
Start weight: 206.0
I walked for 1.10 hours and burnt 553calories.
Breakfast-Breakfast cookie
-oatmeal
-dry hot cocoa mix
-Raisins
-Natural PB
Lunch-Saurkraut, kidney beans, onions & pepers, olive oil
Snack-2 oranges
Dinner-BBQ cheeseburger, chips
Dinner ended up being kind of spur of the moment. A friend of Phil's came over and invited us to a bbq. I only ate 1/2 of the burger because it was red in the middle.
Snack-string cheese, V-8
Not a great eats day but on the right track. I am not going to beat myself up about it. I truly am taking it one step, one bite at a time.
Sunday
Breakfast-western scrambler, wheat toast, strawberry jam, strawberry bread
-eggs
-ham
-oninons, peppers
-hasbrowns
-cheese
Not the best of breakfast but I also used it as lunch too.
Snack-string cheese, V-8
Dinner-Steamed broccoli, SO pasta premevara, SFFF pudding
Not exercise. Lazy and struggling with day 2 of a caffenie withdrawal headache.
Monday
Exercise-31 minutes on treadmill
Breakfast-orange, breakfast cookie
Lunch-string cheese, V-8, SO 2 cheese zita
Not sure what I am having for dinner. Hopefully, some kind of chicken. We shall see.
TaTa
Karen
Start weight: 206.0
I walked for 1.10 hours and burnt 553calories.
Breakfast-Breakfast cookie
-oatmeal
-dry hot cocoa mix
-Raisins
-Natural PB
Lunch-Saurkraut, kidney beans, onions & pepers, olive oil
Snack-2 oranges
Dinner-BBQ cheeseburger, chips
Dinner ended up being kind of spur of the moment. A friend of Phil's came over and invited us to a bbq. I only ate 1/2 of the burger because it was red in the middle.
Snack-string cheese, V-8
Not a great eats day but on the right track. I am not going to beat myself up about it. I truly am taking it one step, one bite at a time.
Sunday
Breakfast-western scrambler, wheat toast, strawberry jam, strawberry bread
-eggs
-ham
-oninons, peppers
-hasbrowns
-cheese
Not the best of breakfast but I also used it as lunch too.
Snack-string cheese, V-8
Dinner-Steamed broccoli, SO pasta premevara, SFFF pudding
Not exercise. Lazy and struggling with day 2 of a caffenie withdrawal headache.
Monday
Exercise-31 minutes on treadmill
Breakfast-orange, breakfast cookie
Lunch-string cheese, V-8, SO 2 cheese zita
Not sure what I am having for dinner. Hopefully, some kind of chicken. We shall see.
TaTa
Karen
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
June 9. 2010
Well I am going to try this again. Losing weight that is.
I feel like I have been trying to do this my whole life.
Personally, I am sick of it. Sick of being fat. Sick of being tired.
Sick of making excuses. Sick of not being all that I can be.
But mostly, I am sick of not taking advantage of what my Lord God
Has given me. I am healthy (except for the whole morbidly obese thing) but really how much longer will that last. I have a wonderful family, I can see, hear, feel, reason. I have two perfectly good legs to take me where I want to go. And still, I seem to always be depressed. Not clinically depressed. I am not taking medication. Sometimes I wish I was. But I am stuck in this cycle of self pity and constantly thinking of me, me, me. I mean we do have to think about ourselves but within reason. But all I seem to be able to think about is me and food. I fool myself into thinking that “I have to make a plan, I have to give myself some thought” but come on. It is moving into selfishness. I call bullshit on myself. And I am vowing to change it now. Well Friday. I have to get back into the game mentally and physically. Here is my plan.
Fridays A.M.-weigh and post weight
Do one nice thing for someone else a day and report
Write 5 things I am grateful for
Track food intake
Exercise 4-5 days a week
Become more present in my life and the lives of my family
STOP FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF
Well I am going to try this again. Losing weight that is.
I feel like I have been trying to do this my whole life.
Personally, I am sick of it. Sick of being fat. Sick of being tired.
Sick of making excuses. Sick of not being all that I can be.
But mostly, I am sick of not taking advantage of what my Lord God
Has given me. I am healthy (except for the whole morbidly obese thing) but really how much longer will that last. I have a wonderful family, I can see, hear, feel, reason. I have two perfectly good legs to take me where I want to go. And still, I seem to always be depressed. Not clinically depressed. I am not taking medication. Sometimes I wish I was. But I am stuck in this cycle of self pity and constantly thinking of me, me, me. I mean we do have to think about ourselves but within reason. But all I seem to be able to think about is me and food. I fool myself into thinking that “I have to make a plan, I have to give myself some thought” but come on. It is moving into selfishness. I call bullshit on myself. And I am vowing to change it now. Well Friday. I have to get back into the game mentally and physically. Here is my plan.
Fridays A.M.-weigh and post weight
Do one nice thing for someone else a day and report
Write 5 things I am grateful for
Track food intake
Exercise 4-5 days a week
Become more present in my life and the lives of my family
STOP FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF
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