This morning on my walk I was doing some thinking about my weight. Like I do every damn day. But specifically I was thinking about binge eating. To me a binge is something I do in secret with way to much food. I realized that I have been a binge eater the majority of my life.
When I lived at home, my mom did not buy alot of snack food but that didn't stop me. I would eat tablespoons of peanut butter, sneak some of my dad's peanuts, eat the cake batter when baking a cake (no wondered my cakes never rose), eat the hamburger I was frying for supper. Not to mention the food when cleaning off the table.
I got to wondering why I binge. I still don't know that answer but then it lead me to thinking about something else entirely. When we were young my brother closest to me in age used to call me an elephant. My mom and he thought it was hilarious. She would also let us fight, wrestle in the living room floor. I think it is possible that on some deep level she did not like me and found this stuff funny. I just thought it was cool that we could fight each other, but I think she hoped he would best me. I "know" that she loved me but I dont think she really ever liked me. And of course, I proved her right by totally screwing up my life. Making many bad choices.
She is gone and I cant talk with her about any of this. It makes me profoundly sad because I love and miss her so much. I am going to try and think and feel these things. Try to keep track of them and not push them down or suppress them because they make me sad. Maybe than I can figure out why food is the center of my life.
